they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
