I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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