Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
