The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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