Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
