My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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