I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
