Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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