woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
