So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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