My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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