how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
