saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
