i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I love having hate sex.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
try to milk me bitch
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
