Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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