highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
