I hate all girls vehemently.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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