The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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