i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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