That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
