I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
