dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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