I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
