i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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