I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
