Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
