There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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