I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
