It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
