I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
