Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
