You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
