I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
