3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
