The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
