well I can't set my house on fire every night
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
