Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
