Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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