Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
handjob tips. give me some.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
