you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
