Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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