I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
