Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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