so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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