Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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