I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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