why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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