Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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