so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
