worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
