Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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